10 Things You Can Say to a Friend Who’s Been Through Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

A guide to supporting survivors with compassion, care, and confidentiality

When someone we love shares that they’ve been in an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to know what to say. You might feel shocked, helpless, or unsure how to respond , especially if they’ve already left or never told you during the relationship.

But your response matters. It can shape how safe they feel in their truth.

Here are 10 things you can say to support a friend who has survived intimate partner violence. These phrases affirm, don’t interrogate. They create space for healing - not shame.

1. “Thank you for telling me.”

Disclosing abuse is an act of trust. You were chosen, and that’s not something to take lightly. Honor it with presence, not pressure.

2. “I believe you.”

These three words can undo so much internal doubt and external silence. Don’t look for inconsistencies - look at the courage it took to share.

3. “What happened to you is not your fault.”

No matter how long they stayed or how much they loved the person, the abuse is not on them. That responsibility lies with the person who caused harm.

4. “You didn’t deserve any of it.”

Even if they’re unsure it “counts” as abuse, you can remind them: harm doesn’t have to be extreme to be real.

5. “This stays with me.”

Unless someone’s safety is at risk, keep it confidential. Don’t turn their story into gossip. Don’t retell it for drama. Respect the fact that they trusted you with something deeply personal.

6. “You don’t need to explain anything you’re not ready to.”

Survivors don’t owe us clarity, timelines, or proof. They’re allowed to share at their own pace — or not at all.

7. “Your feelings make sense.”

They might miss the abuser. Feel numb. Be angry or sad or ashamed. Normalize it all. There’s no “right” emotional reaction to trauma.

8. “You did what you needed to survive.”

It’s important to remember that most survivors return to their abuser an average of 7 times before leaving for good. That’s not weakness — it’s the nature of the cycle of violence: manipulation, fear, hope, and trauma bonding.If they go back, don’t judge them. Stay connected. Support matters most when they reach out again.

9. “You’re not alone.”

So many survivors feel isolated or disbelieved. Let your presence — even in silence — say, “I’m with you.”

10. “You’re allowed to heal at your own pace.”

Healing isn’t a straight line. Whether it takes months or years, the timeline belongs to them — not to the world around them.

A Note on Being a Supportive Friend:

You don’t have to be a therapist to be a good friend. You just have to be kind, present, and respectful of their boundaries. Be there when they’re ready to talk. Be there if they return. Be there without conditions.

If your friend is looking for a safe, confidential, and feminist space to explore what they’ve been through, I currently offer one-on-one counseling for survivors of IPV.

email: shivangi@deshwal.com